The Smiling Saboteur

In a recent post I mentioned the scene from Trains, Planes and Automobiles where John Candy and Steve Martin are literally going the wrong way down a four lane highway and concerned motorists across the median are desperately yelling at them to turn around because they are going the wrong way. 

Metaphorically speaking, yelling across the median is one way to get someone’s attention, British Parliament is a fine example of this I suppose.

However, there are other ways to express our love and concern for a friend, enemy or frenemy who, at least from our perspective, is on a path that leads to pain, sorrow and even destruction.

Consider the smiling saboteur. This is the one who approaches us in a gentle way and undoes one of our points of view with a single sentence. Let’s say I get in that defensive “STOP BEING MY MORALITY POLICE” mode that I mentioned in my recent post and say something silly like:

“There are no moral absolutes, everything depends on the situation!”

To this my friend might smile and say something like:

“Ahhhh, I see, so there are absolutely no absolutes… hmmm.”

The Smiling Saboteur at work

Of course my friend has kindly derailed my thinking and like the biker with the proverbial stick in his front tire spokes I do a mental end-over-face-plant. Serves me right of course for saying something so ridiculous.

In another recent post I highlighted a website that actually provides moderately good examples of both the median yeller and the smiling saboteur. Both of these women are actually friends now and are collaborating to battle the most absurd sophistry of our era. The median yeller in this case (Ms. Vulgar Buzz) admits she was operating out of trauma and rage when she expressed her concerns. The smiling saboteur (Miriam) simply expresses the same truths that Ms. Vulgar Buzz does with a more gentle approach.

I’ve tried both approaches myself. Sometimes I’ve even done this out of loving concern (miracles never cease) and other times not so much. I think the smiling saboteur method is usually the more disarming and humorous way and can more readily lead to civil dialogue. However, when you truly love and care for someone and you are convinced in your heart that they are on a path of pain, sorrow and destruction, perhaps there is something about each approach that is redemptive.

One final note regarding the unlikely friendship of Ms. Vulgar Buzz and Miriam is due here. If it weren't for Miriam's uncanny ability to view people with compassion and curiosity rather than judging them, I don't believe this friendship would have ever blossomed. It was her persistence in gently and painstakingly drawing out the good she saw in what Ms. Vulgar Buzz was saying (aka: Diaper Changes) that eventually opened the door to their collaboration. 

I for one think that is beautiful.